I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
