Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize