despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
