Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
