My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize