Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
