Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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