Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
