I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
