the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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