i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So many bounce houses so little time
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
