When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
