dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
