The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
