Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
