Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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