Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
