I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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