She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize