I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
