I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
