We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
