it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
