You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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