Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
