I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
