chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
