you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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