last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
