And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
