Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
