Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Send help, water and tortillas.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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