Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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