I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
