I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
