"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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