Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
