i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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