I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
