Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
