I think im going to throw up on grandma
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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