sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize