I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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