Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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