dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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