is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
