ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
ugly people sure do ruin things
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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