Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
