i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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