my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize