This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
