u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
