Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
