she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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