sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
