Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
