I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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