so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
