I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
