sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
