6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
