Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Bring me that man meat
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Text me some of your sweat
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
