If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
