she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
