Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
