proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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