I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He kissed a someone with a penis
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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