I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
