why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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